An Apology

An Apology

On behalf of those who have inconvenienced you

I would like to issue an apology to those people who have been affected by national health care reform, economic reform and other socially beneficial legislation and policies of the current administration.

I, the poor and sickly child of out of work lower class families, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. As I understand it, you had to change doctors because your current provider no longer wishes to accept Medicare. My family’s taxes have been paying for your socialized medicine, so although now I am finally able to remain safe under this same umbrella, you have to find a new doctor or handle your own reimbursement. Although I am now allowed to live despite my poverty, you must do a little bit of tedious paperwork. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, the very nearly homeless unemployed worker, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. When the economy crumbled, and the banks had to be bailed out, I understand that this cost a handful of your tax dollars, along with the rest of the country. This bailout has kept me from losing my house (as I would have because of terrible corporate fraud which traded away my investments) but I understand that in this economic climate you are no longer able to buy that 52 inch plasma screen TV you wanted. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, your great-great-great grandchild, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. The reduction in carbon dioxide emissions, the advent of hybrid cars, the restructuring of our industrial system, the commitment to green energy and green technology, the modest tax increases, and the sense of responsibility have made it possible for me to breathe oxygen in the future, because they have slowly stopped the effects of global warming. I’m sorry the science confused you, I am sorry that it snowed in Washington D.C., and I am sorry it cost a more tax dollars. I am able to live, but you were not able to buy that gas guzzling and offensively impractical Hummer. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, the child of war-torn countries across the globe, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. Current administrations in both the United States and Russia have reached peace agreements and treaties to reduce the arsenals of nuclear weapons, which will allow me to sleep a little easier at night. There is less of a chance of nuclear holocaust, although you have lost a little bit of your sense of superiority. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, the homosexual, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. The love of my life and I would like to get married. I understand this causes you disquiet. So although we will enjoy freedoms and rights that every pair of consenting adults should be entitled to, and although you will not be forced to come to our wedding, bring us gifts, allow us to wed in your church, or acknowledge us in any other way other than as a legally wedded couple, I understand that this gives you “the ooglies.” I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, the homosexual soldier, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. My sexual preference makes you, my fellow soldiers, uncomfortable and creeps you out when we go into battle together. So although the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will allow me to serve openly and freely, indicating that this is indeed a free country where every upstanding citizen is valued, every soldier is honored, and every man is created equal, you will now have to face your own homophobia and abandon your reliance on emasculation as a tool for superiority. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

I, the incredibly destitute, unemployed and bankrupt American, would like to apologize for your inconvenience. Your company has undergone financial scrutiny and will be facing legislation which prevents you from raping the lower and middle classes. Small businesses will now suffer because the government is protecting investors like me from bankers like you. I am not sure if I’ll be able to put dinner on the table next week, but this legislation makes me slightly more optimistic. Still, I understand that your multi-million dollar bonus was not as big this quarter as it was last quarter. I am sorry to inconvenience you.

In summary, on behalf of all the afflicted, oppressed and poor in this country, I would like to apologize to you, the wealthy, well off, closed minded and selfish community, for your minor inconvenience. The afflicted are being granted basic standards of living and liberties while you must sacrifice a few tax dollars and your draconic view of society. I am sorry for the inconvenience; it truly is not a fair trade.